


Aunt Hever's Birthday.

by jhsdhalr



Series: Aunt Hever Celebrates. [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2014-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-19 06:06:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/880315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another Aunt Hever story from me following on from Aunt Hever's Wedding and Christmas at Hope Manor. Sherlock and John have more fun with Sherlock's huge eccentric family. Please note this is crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Yet another invite.

John awoke one morning in June to find his entire left hand side was numb where Sherlock, the man who believed sleeping was a waste of his time, was fast asleep on it. He extricated himself from Sherlock with difficulty, and, leaving his partner snoring and grunting loudly, went to the bathroom. 

Once John was washed and clothed he felt a lot better so he went to see if there was any post. There was a familiar looking large gold envelope plus a bill from the Gas company. The envelope was addressed to Mr Sherlock Holmes and Dr John Watson, so John went into the living room, sat down in his favorite chair, and opened it. It was another invitation. This time it was for Sherlock's Aunt Hever's birthday. John rushed to awake Sherlock and tell him the good news. Sherlock was sitting up in bed fiddling with something under the bedclothes. He looked hot.

"Guess what?" John shouted, waving the envelope "we've got another invite from your Aunt Hever."

Sherlock groaned. "It must be her birthday" he said "it's at the beginning of July."

"It's a themed birthday" said John, sitting down on the bed. 

Sherlock groaned a bit more. "What do we have to dress as this time?" he asked "her last birthday was a nightmare. We all had to go as clowns. I hate clowns."

"Pirates" said John. 

Sherlock smiled and, leaning over, gave John a kiss.

"You wanted to be a pirate once" John pointed out.

"When I was very young" said Sherlock "it might actually be worth going to this celebration though."

"Thought you'd like it" John said, grinning "I wonder if anyone will have a parrot on their shoulder or a wooden leg."

"I hope no-one brings a real parrot" Sherlock muttered "my Uncle Robin Graves Holmes was killed by one you know."

"He was called Robin Graves?" John said, starting to laugh "I love your family, Sherlock, they're fantastic."

"He was the next in age to my Father" said Sherlock "my cousin Julian's Father. You remember Julian, he was there at Christmas. Tall and thin with green hair. The twins couldn't come. They were digging in Peru."

"How did he die?" asked John.

"Oh, he fell off a balcony" said Sherlock quite seriously "it was the twelfth floor."

"Do any of your family have ordinary deaths?" John asked.

"A lot of people die falling off buildings and balconies " said Sherlock, looking slightly offended.

"I thought you said he was killed by a parrot anyway" said John.

"That's why he fell" Sherlock explained "he was leaning over to look at something below when a passing parrot bit his neck and he overbalanced and fell."

John fell backwards on the bed laughing. "A passing parrot?" he cackled "a passing parrot!"

"There were a number of them" Sherlock said morosely "they'd escaped from a woman who bred them."

"Oh dear" John sighed, sitting back up again "what terrible bad luck."

"He liked parrots too" said Sherlock "he had a pet one that could sing Rule Britannia. It was off key of course."

John started to laugh again. Sherlock got out of bed. "I'm so glad you find my family tragedies amusing, John" he said coldly.

"I'm sorry" John replied, getting control of himself with difficulty "but your family die in such unusual ways. Someone should write a book about them."

"My Uncle Harry was writing the history of the Holmes family but he died before he could finish it" Sherlock explained.

"Why couldn't someone else finish it?" asked John.

"No-one was interested enough" said Sherlock "and before you ask, I didn't have the time."

"What did your Uncle Harry die of?" John asked "I bet it was something weird."

Sherlock suddenly grinned. "I heard it was exhaustion" he said "he died in bed with three women. He was very popular with the ladies."

"Better than falling off a balcony anyway" said John "so we're going to this shindig then?"

"Since it's pirates, yes" said Sherlock.

"Great" said John.


	2. Dinner is served.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and John arrive at Hope Manor after their train is delayed by cows on the line. Dinner is served and Sherlock proves to be good at Charades.

Sherlock and John traveled to Hope Manor by Train. The journey took much longer than usual because it was held up by a herd of cows on the line. It took over two hours to get the line clear, because the cows kept coming back onto the line after being shooed off, but finally they arrived at their destination, got a Taxi and reached Hope Manor at nearly 6pm.

Aunt Hever, wearing a long orange skirt decorated with what appeared to be dead sheep, greeted them at the door. Sherlock was slightly irritated that, judging by the cars and the coach in front of the Manor, everyone else had already arrived, and was even more irritated when his Aunt kissed him on both cheeks, leaving lipstick smudges.

"You're here at last" Aunt Hever said, smiling widely and leaving lipstick on John's chin, having missed his cheek because he moved.

"Apparently, yes" said Sherlock.

Aunt Hever rang a small bell which was on the table next to the door and a tall, red headed man came out of a cupboard half way down the hall. He had a yellow duster in one hand and a peacock feather in the other.

"Parry" said Aunt Hever "this is my nephew Sherlock Holmes and his partner Dr John Watson, show them to their room. They're in the Yellow Room."

"It's Barry, ma'am" said the servant.

"Oh yes" said Aunt Hever. She turned to Sherlock and John. "His name's Parry but he likes to be called Barry" she told them "so remember, it's not Parry it's Barry."

"What happened to the last one?" asked John "the fat one who wanted a tip."

"Oh we had to get rid of him" Aunt Hever informed them "apart from the awful tip thing he was stealing food and eating it in one of the sheds when he was supposed to be working, and then he had his teeth filed to points. We couldn't have that."

Before she could say any more, Barry picked up their bags and started to go up the stairs with them. As they followed him, Aunt Hever called out "don't forget, dinner is at 8."

The Yellow Room wasn't yellow. It was pale green. The very tiny en suite was pale green too. Barry put the bags next to the bed and went out of the room backwards, tripping over in the doorway as he went.

"I'm alright "he called to Sherlock and John "I'm always falling backwards, I'm used to it. I hope you enjoy your stay."

John sat down on the bed and started to laugh. "Just as weird as usual" he said "I'm going to really enjoy myself again."

Sherlock was examining the bathroom. It contained a toilet, a sink unit and a shower. It was a miracle of design that everything had fitted in. "We can't be in here together" Sherlock called to John, as he looked at the shower "it's too small."

John squashed into the bathroom next to Sherlock. There wasn't room to turn around once they were both in the room together. "Cosy, intimate" said John cheerfully.

There was a shelf unit above the toilet with towels on it. "Dangerous that" said Sherlock scowling "if you're sitting down and jump up quickly you could knock yourself unconscious."

"What a wonderfully Holmes way to go" said John, laughing "let's see if we can both fit in the shower. Take your clothes off." He started to strip, banging his elbow on the sink in the process and then banging Sherlock on the head. "I think I'll finish this outside" he said.

Five minutes later they discovered that it was possible for two fully grown men to fit in the shower together, but only if they were pressed tightly together. Moving however, was extremely difficult.

"I think showering together as a fun activity is greatly overrated" said Sherlock as John managed to turn on the water "I'm loosing feeling in my arms already and I can't even see my feet. Can you see them?"

"No" said John "I'm trying to get hold of the shower gel. Move your right arm. Just hold it up. That's it. Got it."

Ten minutes later they emerged from the shower, cleaner but somewhat distressed. "That ought to have been fun" John commented as they dried themselves in the bedroom, where there was space to move.

"I banged my elbow on the wall twice" said Sherlock "and I couldn't even reach most of my body."

"I couldn't see mine" said John "all I could see was your neck." He suddenly started to laugh again. 

"It wasn't funny" said Sherlock.

"Yes it was" said John. 

Once they were dressed John unpacked. Sherlock's contribution to this activity was to give orders on where certain items should be stored and the correct way of hanging up pirate costumes.

John finally sat down on the bed next to Sherlock. "I'm starving" he complained.

"We could raid the kitchen" Sherlock suggested. 

John suddenly smiled. "Oh" he exclaimed "I've just thought. There's half a sandwich in my jacket pocket. The bit you didn't eat."

Sherlock grimaced. "You can't eat half a squashed sandwich" he moaned.

"Yes I can" said John and, after a quick search, proceeded to do so. Sherlock was visibly horrified.

John had just finished the sandwich when the room was shaken by the sound of the dinner siren. "Half an hour to go" he said "what shall we do?"

"We'll just stay here away from everyone" Sherlock insisted "one thing we wont do is go downstairs and meet them all."

Five minutes later they were downstairs in the drawing room meeting everyone. John could, in fact, be very determined when he chose to. The drawing room was packed with people of all ages and sizes and John soon found himself enveloped in a bear hug by Sherlock's Aunt Edinburgh, whose hair was now purple and frizzy with a big red ribbon tied in it.

Sherlock's mother attacked both him and John and nearly strangled them with her exuberant hugs. "It's so wonderful to see you both" she kept saying "and when am I getting some grandchildren, that's what I want to know."

"We're both men, Mummy" Sherlock told her "that presents an insurmountable problem you see."

"There are ways and means, you know" Dover told them, winking at them. 

Sherlock tried to avoid his Aunt Cardiff without success. "You're still thin, Sherlock" she told him, poking him all over in a futile attempt to find some fat.

"I'm just naturally slim" said Sherlock, moving away from her with difficulty and bumping into his Uncle Bertie in the process. Uncle Bertie was huge and had, for some unaccountable reason, dyed what little hair he had shocking pink.

"Some people are thin" said Uncle Bertie "some people are fat. Some people start off thin and get fat and some people start off fat and get fatter. That's the way things are."

"Some people start off thin and get thinner" said Sherlock's cousin Arnica.

"And some people start off fat and get thin" added Creepy Holmes Jnr.

Sherlock groaned loudly and managed to edge his way toward the door. Just as he reached it, it opened and Aunt Hever came in, still wearing the dead sheep skirt. "You can't leave, Sherlock" she informed him "dinner is almost served. It's not worth you going anywhere." 

Behind her stood Hamilton and Mycroft. They were wearing identical shirts. Brown with lilac stripes. The shirts didn't suit either of them. "It's not worth you escaping, Sherlock" Mycroft announced "so you may as well stay put."

This was only too true as at that very moment the dinner siren sounded, causing the two babies in the drawing room to start screaming. Butter Holmes, one of Sherlock's Uncles, who was very deaf and refused to wear a hearing aid, was ecstatic. "I can hear everything" he shouted out with glee. Butter was the Father of Bandy and Prima. Bandy wasn't bandy but Prima did give the impression she thought she was better than everyone else.

Dinner was a lengthy affair starting with butter bean soup, which was thick and nasty, followed by fish roasted in mustard, followed by lamb cutlets and a variety of desserts, including strawberry cheesecake and bread and butter pudding served with bananas, which Sherlock enjoyed enormously to John's surprise.

The meal was enlivened by Sherlock's Aunt Windsor and Uncle Chester having an argument about whether it rained more nowadays than it did when they were young, and by two of Sherlock's first cousins once removed, who were aged 8 and 11, having a fight under the table.

It was a relief when they were served cheese and biscuits and the younger members of the family were packed off to bed. Peace reigned until they all went back to the drawing room to play charades and drink alcohol.

Arnica stood up and said loudly "film." Then he gasped and made the sign for film and held up three fingers. 

"Three words" shouted James Perch.

Arnica nodded and then got on the floor, with difficulty due to the lack of room, and got up again almost immediately. He then waved his arms up and down in what appeared to be a random fashion. "Any ideas?" he asked, looking pleased with himself.

Sherlock was leaning against the piano. "Escape from Alcatraz" he said.

"How ever did you get that" asked John in amazement.

"Elementary" said Sherlock, looking smug.

Several other family members tried to outwit Sherlock and failed so the charades were abandoned and Uncle Bertie began to play the piano. Various people gathered about the piano and attempted to sing. After that Mork and Mindy tried to dance a hornpipe which ended in spectacular fashion when Mork's shoe flew off and hit Hamilton on his left ear. This was followed by Uncle Newbury standing on his head and whistling what he said was "Dixie."

Several family members demonstrated their ability to stand on one leg while singing a selection of songs from "Oklahoma" and then Sharpie did a monologue about someone in Canada being eaten by a bear, which was very long and very boring and very sad, but hilarious at the same time.

Julian Holmes stood up and sang a drinking song which prompted Hamilton to send for more drinks. After that they toasted the Queen and then toasted a lot of other people and things, including the Tower of London and nettles. Tyger and Usher Holmes finished the evening by singing something about nettles and dock leaves which no-one, not even Sherlock, recognized.

Finally Sherlock and John arrived back in their room and collapsed in a heap together on the bed. "Tomorrow is the birthday" said John "I'm looking forward to that."

"Well at least it's pirates" said Sherlock "that's the only good thing about it."

"Your family are great" John muttered, yawning "roll on tomorrow."

Sherlock just groaned.


	3. "Everyone who has ever had a mustache raise their hand before I die of boredom" snapped Sherlock, scowling magnificently.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast and a visit to the swimming pool. Plus an interesting discussion about a woman with more than two.

When John awoke the next morning Sherlock had gone. John lifted the single sheet that was covering him (due to the heat) and looked at his cock which, excited by the attention it was getting, appeared to wave to him. 

"You're wasting your time" he said to it "he's gone, so it's just my hand or nothing."

His cock didn't seem to care about that so he grabbed hold of it and gave it a rub. He was just starting to get into it and was leaking all over his hand when the door opened and Sherlock came in. He was wearing his pirate costume complete with a cutlass and looked, to John anyway, absolutely gorgeous. In fact, he looked so gorgeous that John promptly ejaculated all over the sheets.

"I have to change" Sherlock snapped "we're not dressing until after lunch evidently."

John just groaned.

"Are you alright?" Sherlock asked "you sound a bit odd."

"You surprised me" said John, extricating himself from the bed with difficulty.

Sherlock watched him for a moment and then started to laugh. "Why didn't you wait for me?" he asked.

"I didn't know you were coming back so quickly" said John.

"Well hurry up and get washed or you won't get any breakfast" said Sherlock "I'm going to change and have a boiled egg." 

Fifteen minutes later John arrived in the Breakfast room to find it still full of people despite the fact that it was gone 9 o'clock. Sherlock was sitting between his Aunt Edinburgh, who had a head full of red hair curlers, and his cousin Mandarin. He was dipping strips of toast into his boiled egg. John waved at him and, after helping himself to scrambled egg, hash browns and bacon, sat down in the only spare seat which was between Mycroft and Sherlock's Aunt Cardiff.

"You'll love my costume" said Aunt Cardiff, as John started to eat "it's green. I love green." 

"Sherlock and I are in the Yellow Room" said John "that's green."

"My room's orange" said Aunt Cardiff "it's called the Brown Boudoir."

"I'm in the Tower Room" Mycroft informed them.

"I didn't know there was a tower" said John. 

"There isn't" said Mycroft.

At that moment Aunt Hever herself arrived in the Breakfast room followed closely by Hamilton. They were holding hands and dressed in identical pale blue dresses revealing the unfortunate fact that both of them had very hairy legs, Aunt Hever especially. There were no empty seats when they arrived but luckily two people got up just in time for them to sit down next to each other, still holding hands.

"We got these cheap in Oxfam" Aunt Hever informed everyone.

"We like to share everything we have" said Hamilton "but we take different sizes."

"Ippie and I share everything" said Sharpie, waving his fork in the air and letting bits of egg fly in all directions.

"Not everything" said Ippie "there was that girl in Chelsea. The one with three."

"Tree?" said Sharpie, looking blank.

"Three" repeated Ippie "or was it four?"

"I don't remember that" said Sharpie.

"It was in 1950" said Ippie "or was it 1949? I know she had more than two anyway."

Hamilton let go of Aunt Hever's hand and got them both some eggs and bacon. Meanwhile everyone listened to Ippie and Sharpie. 

"It's not normal to have more than two" said Sharpie.

"It was a bit of a problem" Ippie admitted "she told me she always had to buy two pairs of shoes to get the extra one."

"Was she in the Circus?" asked Sharpie.

"No" said Ippie "she was an accountant. She had red hair and a mustache." 

"I like a good mustache" Sharpie admitted.

"I was thinking of growing a mustache" said John. 

"Over my dead body" Sherlock growled.

"I had a mustache once" said Arnica.

"So did I" said Mork.

"Everyone who has ever had a mustache raise their hand before I die of boredom" snapped Sherlock, scowling magnificently.

Immediately everyone in the room except Sherlock, John and a small boy by the name of Grunt Quisenberry, who was the Grandson of Sherlock's Uncle Chester, raised a hand. John started to laugh and Sherlock put his head down on the table, just missing some marmalade, and made moaning noises.

Some time later Sherlock and John managed to escape to their room. The bed had been made up with clean sheets and everything looked neat and tidy. Sherlock immediately messed up the bed by flopping down on it with his shoes on. John took his own shoes off and joined him.

"Did Mycroft have a mustache once?" he asked "and your Aunts?"

"Mycroft came home from University with one" said Sherlock "it was very straggly and red. Mummy made him shave it off."

"We missed her at breakfast" said John.

"She likes to eat early" Sherlock sighed "and before you ask, she did have a small mustache once. That was red too."

John started to laugh again. Sherlock gave another loud sigh. "My Uncle Tylk Holmes, Arnica's father, was killed by his mustache" he said.

"How on earth can someone be killed by a mustache?" John asked.

"It was two foot long" said Sherlock "and one day he was mowing the lawn and he got it caught in the mower when he went to turn it off to empty the grass box. Evidently something was wrong with the switch."

"Oh dear" said John, trying not to laugh louder "that must have been messy."

"It ruined the mower" said Sherlock perfectly seriously "and the lawn was a bit of a mess too. The mower went across the grass pulling Uncle Tylk with it until he got caught in a trellis. Then the mower went through a fence and into a river. On the way it knocked into two small sheds. There was a tramp sleeping in one of them but he survived unscathed except he lost his trousers. So I was told anyway."

John rolled about the bed almost crying with laughter. Sherlock was not amused. "Uncle Donnington had a mustache too. It was quite short but very bushy" he continued "that's one of the reasons why my Aunt Tilda left him."

"What was the other reason?" John asked.

"She met a sailor" said Sherlock "he had a yacht."

"Is your Uncle still alive?" John asked.

"No" said Sherlock "at least, he was declared dead last year but no-one knows for sure. He went missing on an expedition."

"Where?" asked John.

"Lands End" said Sherlock.

John laughed again. "He probably ran off with some other woman" he cackled.

"He wasn't really into women" Sherlock muttered "he preferred shoes."

"I love your family" laughed John "and they have such fantastic names too. I mean, Butter, Tylk, Robin Graves and Creepy are such great names." 

"Everyone has relatives somewhere with unusual names" said Sherlock "it's just I know most of mine."

"I know one of my great Grandfathers was called Rome" said John "and his sister was called Venice. I thought that was weird until I met you."

"Were they born there?" Sherlock asked.

"No" said John "I was told they were both born in Glasgow."

Sherlock laughed. He leaned over and kissed John and the kiss was just deepening into something interesting when there was a knock at the door.

"Oh fuck" snapped John.

The door opened and the familiar figure of Dover Holmes entered the room. "I thought you boys might like to take a look at the new swimming pool" she said "it's been transformed into a jungle grotto."

"What's that got to do with pirates, Mummy?" Sherlock asked, extricating himself from John's grasp with difficulty.

Dover sat down on the end of the bed. "Hever has had the pool fitted with a plank for walking the plank" she explained "there's going to be games, you see, and the losers will walk the plank. Hever was always good at inventing games, and she thought a jungle would fit the theme. Hurry up and come and have a look. It's a lovely sunny day and you two are skulking indoors." 

"We weren't skulking" said Sherlock, but he got up anyway and followed his Mother out of the door. 

John sighed and glanced down at his groin. "You're wasting your time" he said to it "try to relax, evidently you're going to visit a jungle."

The new swimming pool was at the back of the house. It was surrounded by so many plants, both in pots and planted directly in the ground, that getting to it required a fair degree of strength and determination. However, after a struggle, Dover, Sherlock and John found themselves standing next to a large pool. The water was green and there were leaves and what appeared to be some type of vine all over the surface. The diving board had been replaced by a thick wooden plank. It looked dangerous.

"Isn't it marvelous?" cried Dover "I'm sure you've never seen anything like that before, have you?"

Sherlock was stunned into silence. John agreed with Dover. No, he certainly hadn't seen anything like that before. They stood staring at the green water. Soon the place would be filled with people, all trying to eat and drink and play games. Sherlock suddenly began to feel more cheerful. Perhaps he'd get to see Arnica walk the plank. That would be worth any amount of discomfort, wouldn't it?


	4. Lunch.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Family have Lunch and Sherlock and John attempt to have fun in a very small shower cubicle.

After looking at the new Swimming pool Sherlock and John were faced with some time to spare before lunch. Hope Manor didn't always serve lunch, but evidently there had been some complaints from previous visitors, who had, according to servants gossip, stood outside the Breakfast room one day bearing banners reading "we want lunch".

Lunch was at 1pm so Sherlock and John had over an hour to kill. They went back to their room and Sherlock suggested they fuck. John thought this was a great idea until Sherlock said he fancied trying to do it hanging from a Chandelier in the Ballroom. When John objected he said they ought to try a loaf of bread. John had a horrific vision of picking crumbs out of his foreskin for hours so he objected to that idea too. Sherlock became despondent until he decided to play with his cutlass and succeeded in cutting the head off a small ornamental fairy that was standing on a shelf by the bed.

John picked up the remains of the fairy. "I think it was a fairy" he said.

"There are no such things as fairies" said Sherlock, sitting down on the bed wearing a sulking expression.

"Oh, I don't know" John muttered, sitting down next to Sherlock "I've met a few in my time."

"It didn't have wings" Sherlock objected "it should have had wings."

"I think those bumps on its back are its wings" said John.

"It's just got a humped back" Sherlock complained "it's an elf and elves don't have wings."

"Well" John added "we'll have to stick it back together. I'll go downstairs and ask if anyone has any glue, shall I?"

"I've got some super glue in my case" Sherlock informed him.

"Why did you pack super glue?" John asked, astounded.

"I always carry super glue" said Sherlock "you never know when you might need it, like now for example."

After sticking the fairies head on and then realizing it was facing backwards and having a thrilling conversation about how useful it would be to be able to see backwards and whether fairies heads did, in fact, face backwards, as Sherlock insisted this one did, they decided to go and see if lunch was ready. It wasn't, but already a small gathering of Holmes and Quisenberries were present, apparently waiting. Phillington Holmes, who had recently celebrated his 103rd birthday, sat at the head of the table eating a raw carrot. On his left sat Uncle Bertie, also eating a carrot. On his right sat Bandy Holmes eating a turnip. Two small children were crying because they didn't have a carrot or a turnip and Mindy Gray was, for some reason, playing a mouth organ accompanied by her brother Mork on a paper and comb. Butter Holmes was shouting into his phone "sell, sell, are you mad, sell" while Creepy Holmes Junior was at the back of the room evidently trying to teach Aunt Cardiff and Aunt Edinburgh how to tap dance. Aunt Edinburgh being seriously hampered by her limp. Dover was sitting at the far end of the table reading a book entitled 'how to make furniture out of nothing', which John thought sounded fascinating, although he had never, in fact, had any urge to make furniture and certainly not out of nothing.

Sherlock and John sat down at the table after persuading Arnica to move so they could sit side by side. This was achieved by a well placed kick from Sherlock after Arnica initially refused to move. At that moment the half hour warning for lunch siren rang causing Dorian Gray to scream loudly, and making several other people feel ill. Mycroft entered the room at that point and suggested they all leave until the next siren sounded. No-one moved so he said they should while away the time by having a sing song. This seemed totally out of character for Mycroft as did the fact that he was wearing pink high heeled shoes, but nobody said anything about this not even Sherlock. The singing made Sherlock, who had perfect pitch, feel nauseated, but John joined in lustily and even occasionally managed to hit the right note. The Holmes family were slightly more musical than the rest of the gathering but not by much, which probably explained why the lunch siren was sounded only ten minutes later instead of the usual half an hour. At that moment Aunt Hever and Hamilton rushed into the room. They were wearing identical straw hats festooned with flowers and pink bathrobes which seemed to be covered with splashes of paint of various colors. Aunt Hever explained that they had been having fun when the siren sounded. Later in the meal it was revealed that they were, in fact, painting each others portraits.

Lunch was served almost immediately and the first course consisted of soup. What sort of soup it was was a bit of a mystery as various vegetables and bits of largely unidentifiable meat were to be found in it. Ippie Holmes said it was Mulligatawny but Sharpie said it was probably Menudo as he had found a bit of cows stomach in his bowl. That started a long conversation about weird soups which ended when Sherlock said there was a type of soup called Kiburu that was eaten by the Chagga tribe that lived at the base of Mount Kilimanjaro. It was made of sweet bananas, beans and dirt, which included bits of twigs. This caused the room to fall into stunned silence which ended when a number of people started to make loud gagging noises and then tell everyone odd things they had apparently eaten.

After the soup they were served lamb cutlets and, somewhat predictably, turnips and carrots plus mashed potatoes. This gave the younger members of the family the opportunity to play with their food, and Luther Holmes made a spectacularly imaginative Castle out of mashed potato and bits of half chewed lamb. Dessert was either apple pie or blackberry pie, both of which, according to Phillington, tasted the same. After coffee and mint chocolates, they all drifted away to change for the party.

Sherlock suggested he and John while away the time until the party by fucking. John said he wasn't going to hang from a chandelier for anyone. Sherlock expressed surprise and, as a result of that conversion, they both stripped and lay down side by side on the bed. After a moment or two, John rolled over on top of Sherlock and discovered he had fallen asleep. 

John poked Sherlock in the ribs. Sherlock opened one eye. "You were asleep" John complained.

"I wasn't" said Sherlock "I was contemplating."

"What were you contemplating then?" asked John, indignantly.

"Just--something" Sherlock muttered "go on with what you were doing."

"I hadn't started to do anything" said John.

"Well do whatever you were going to do then" said Sherlock, "I'm waiting."

"I've lost interest now" said John.

They lay there for a moment in silence. Then Sherlock sat up and said "did I ever tell you what happened to my Great Great Uncle Broderick Holmes?"

"I don't think so" said John "why, what did happen to him?"

"He went to South America on his Honeymoon and due to a complete misunderstanding of local customs ended up eating his wife at a cannibal feast."

"That's revolting" said John.

"It was made even worse by the fact that he told everyone at the feast how tasty the meat was" Sherlock informed John, grinning.

"I don't think that's funny" said John, getting up. He stood beside the bed glaring at Sherlock angrily. Then he grabbed Sherlock's ankles and pulled him roughly until he was almost falling off the end of the bed. He leaned over and blew on Sherlock's cock which, evidently taken by surprise, stiffened and swelled immediately. "Something thinks it's going to have some fun" John muttered. Then he stood up and went into the bathroom.

"What are you doing?" Sherlock shouted.

"I'm taking a shower" John shouted back.

"Are you just going to leave me like this?" Sherlock yelled, getting up and following John into the bathroom.

"Yes" said John.

"Would it help if I said I was sorry and admit that it wasn't really funny?" Sherlock asked, squashing into the shower alongside John "I know you like that sort of thing."

"Not much" said John "since you wouldn't really mean it." He managed, with some bother, to turn on the water.

"Oh I do" said Sherlock, rubbing his cock up against the nearest bit of John which, at that moment, was his left hip.

John, with a great deal of difficulty owning to the lack of space, managed to turn until he and Sherlock were squashed face to face, or to be exact, face to upper chest and chin. "OK" he said "I forgive you. Now get out of here before we both suffocate to death."

"I don't think I can open the door now" said Sherlock.

"Try and turn around" John suggested.

Sherlock tried to turn and only succeeded in rubbing his erection against John. It felt nice so he rubbed faster. John gave in and, after splashing some shower gel around, started to rub his stiffening cock against the nearest bit of Sherlock, which was his right thigh. "This is interesting, isn't it?" Sherlock muttered breathlessly after a moment or two.

"I can think of a number of words for it" said John "interesting isn't one of them. Why can't we do this somewhere comfy, like a bed?"

"Boring" said Sherlock, in a sing song voice.

"Satisfying" grunted John.

For a few moments there was no more conversation until Sherlock suddenly shouted out something that sounded vaguely like "oh, ah, ugh, erk, ahhhh" and came all over John's stomach. John followed by coming all over Sherlock's thigh. The water washed everything away. "Isn't it lucky we were in the shower" said Sherlock cheerfully after a moment "no mess for you to complain about."

"I never complain about mess" said John "not often anyway." He sighed and added "we have to get out of this shower now."

"I'll try to open the door" said Sherlock.

"I can climb over you if you sit down" said John.

"I can't sit down" Sherlock moaned "we got out before, so we can do it again. You sit down, you're smaller than me."

John tried to sit down and failed. Finally, somehow or other, Sherlock managed to turn around enough to open the shower door and they both fell out. Sherlock started to laugh and after a moment John joined in. At that moment the house siren sounded yet again. "Oh" said Sherlock "that must be the half hour warning for the party. We have to get dressed."

They got up off the floor and, after grabbing towels, went into the bedroom to get ready for the party.


	5. The Party Begins.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Birthday Party finally starts. Please note this chapter contains thigh slapping.  
> Poem by Rhys Daniel Sierakowiak aged 7. Copyright.

Sherlock and John were resplendent in their Pirate Costumes and were standing admiring each other when the house siren rang loudly, indicating that the party was about to begin.

"Here we go" said Sherlock "and if I'm really lucky I'll get to see Arnica walk the plank."

"What is it with you and Arnica?" asked John, as they went out of the room.

"You don't want to know" said Sherlock.

"But I do" John exclaimed.

"We have a natural enmity caused partly by over proximity in early childhood" said Sherlock.

"What the hell does that mean?" asked John, irritatedly.

"Exactly what I said" muttered Sherlock.

He refused to say any more, so they made their way to the swimming pool in silence. When they arrived a number of other people were already there, crushed among the plants and looking, when you could manage to see them through the foliage, quite splendid.

Aunt Cardiff, Aunt Edinburgh and Dover all arrived together, dressed in identical costumes complete with knives tucked into their belts. They were followed closely by Mycroft, who had the largest cutlass ever seen. It was so long it dragged along the grass as he walked, leaving a trail on the ground. He had black and white striped pantaloons, a white shirt with huge loose sleeves, a scarf tied on his head and long black boots. For some reason he was gripping a red rose between his teeth. 

Dover spotted Sherlock and John and struggled over to them through the plants, knocking over a small potted fern in the process. She kissed Sherlock and patted John on the head, which made him feel that he ought to start barking. "You both look lovely" she told them with unexpected enthusiasm "you look just like your Father dressed like that Sherlock. He loved to dress up. I remember when you were born. He was so pleased to have another son that he went out and bought himself a Vampire outfit. He loved to wear it. He used to run at people and bite their necks. It was such fun."

Sherlock looked mortified. "Mummy" he complained "I'm sure John isn't interested in these little family stories."

"Oh yes I am" said John "I'm absolutely fascinated."

"I can tell you a whole host of wonderful things about our family" said Dover "it makes me very happy that you're so interested."

Luckily for Sherlock, at that moment Aunt Edinburgh limped over. "She'll tell you about the time they went to New York and got mistaken for gangsters" she said "we've all heard that hundreds of times. Come on and leave the poor boys alone, Dover. They want to be alone." 

Dover allowed herself to be almost dragged away from Sherlock and John much to Sherlock's visible relief. "If anyone tells you things about the family" he said to John, as they watched the two women struggling through the plants "it has to be me. My Mother has no idea how to tell a decent story and she forgets bits and adds others."

As more people arrived things got somewhat confusing, made even worse when Phillington Holmes got there, pushed in a large wheelchair by none other than Arnica himself and followed closely by Ippie and Sharpie. Ippie was carrying a small stuffed green parrot.

"We couldn't get it to stick to his shoulder" Sharpie explained loudly, as various family members struggled over to them to look at the parrot "that's why it's beak is bent."

Before any more could be said about the parrot with the bent beak Hamilton and Aunt Hever herself arrived. Aunt Hever was wearing a long red and white striped skirt and a large black hat with a feather in it. Hamilton had a eye patch and a black bandana decorated with a skull and crossbones.

Aunt Hever climbed up on a box which had been placed conveniently just in front of the swimming pool, right next to the plank.

"Well" she shouted, trying to spot everyone through the plants "here we all are and I have a game for us to play before we start to eat and drink. It should give us all an appetite."

Hamilton handed her a clip board covered with sheets of paper. She shuffled through them and finally started to read. "The first game is, er, Hunt the Thimble" she shouted "no, that was for for my Sewing Party. Hammy dear, I think this is the wrong list."

"I'll go and get the correct one, dearest" said Hamilton, and promptly left, negotiating the plants with quite surprising skill.

Aunt Hever looked over at her waiting audience. "Perhaps if we sing some Pirate songs while we wait" she suggested after a moment.

"I got a poem" shouted a voice from behind a small tree at the side of the pool and Grunt Quisenberry came into view. He had bits of tree in his hair. 

"Oh yes dear" said Aunt Hever eagerly, as she didn't actually know any songs about Pirates "do recite your poem for us." She climbed down off the box with some difficulty and Grunt climbed up and faced his audience. 

"This is called My Mother has Exploded" Grunt shouted "I wrote it myself." He cleared his throat noisily and proceeded to shout out the following words:

My Mother has exploded and I don't know what to do,  
There's bits of her all over France and most of England too.  
It really is distressing and there's not much of her left,  
How I'll explain it to my Dad I really cannot guess.  
I can't stick her back together for I haven't any glue  
And anyhow I've lost her head and a replacement wouldn't do.  
I've got a piece of her right arm and parts of her left leg  
I'd have to improvise the rest and besides they're all bright red.  
I'll just have to grin and bear it and acknowledge I'm to blame  
For it was me that blew her up to my eternal shame."

This recitation was met at first by a stunned silence. Then, as Grunt bowed low, there was a faint ripple of applause followed by Sherlock muttering "it wouldn't have been bright red, actually."

"How old is he?" asked John as they watched Grunt climb down off the box.

"Seven" said Sherlock.

"Good heavens" John gasped.

Luckily, at that moment, Hamilton returned carrying yet another clip board. This proved to be the correct one which was a great relief to everyone as Grunt was just shouting that he had another poem about Knitting he could recite if people were interested.

Aunt Hever shuffled through the mass of papers clipped to the board and finally shouted "the first game is a treasure hunt. There are two hunts, actually, one for the children and one for the rest of us. The children's treasure is hidden somewhere in the grounds at ground level. Remember, it's on the ground somewhere. The adults treasure is above ground so don't look on the ground for it. When you find it run back here and Hamilton will blow a whistle. Once for the children and twice for the adults. Everyone must run back here when they hear their whistle.The last adult to get back will walk the plank. You can pair up if you like, but if you do and you get back last, both of you will have to walk the plank. Hamilton will blow the whistle and then you can start after you collect your maps. There's no prize for the adults but the children will get chocolates."

Hamilton climbed up on the box next to his wife and blew a very large whistle. The struggle to make a loud enough sound with it caused him to turn a very exciting shade of purple. Immediately everyone rushed off in all directions, except Sherlock, John, Phillington and Aunt Hever and Hamilton themselves.

"Let's go" said John "we can pair up."

"There's no rush" said Sherlock, and he started to stroll slowly through the foliage in a very leisurely fashion.

"We just won't be able to find it, and this map is useless, and we'll have to walk the plank" moaned John "I don't want to walk the plank, Sherlock."

"Don't panic" said Sherlock "it causes unnecessary wrinkles. Besides, I know where it is."

"So" John muttered "you're a mind reader now, are you?"

"I saw Parry or Barry, or whatever he's calling himself today, putting it in the large tree house at 5 this morning" Sherlock explained "I happened to be awake and I went for a walk. I was careful not to wake you, I know how you love your sleep."

"You were cheating" said John.

"Of course" Sherlock replied with a grin "all the most successful treasure hunters cheat a bit."

The large tree house was in an oak tree next to a smaller tree with another tree house in it. Both houses looked somewhat precariously placed and had rope ladders leading up to them. 

"Come on" said Sherlock "let's go up and find it. I known it's there somewhere." He jumped at the rope ladder and began to climb it with surprising ease. John followed far more carefully.

The tree house had a low roof and they crawled into it on all fours one after the other. Inside was a bright orange rug, covered with a design that looked like a huge ten legged spider, two bean bag seats, both lime green, and a small wooden chest. Sherlock opened the chest and pulled out a book entitled "how to make rugs out of oddments" and a small red bag with a label on it saying "treasure."

The bag proved to be totally empty. "It's symbolic treasure" Sherlock explained. He sat down in one of the bean bags looking smug. "What shall we do now? We can't return too soon or they'll get suspicious." 

"We could fuck" John suggested. 

"Do you ever think of anything else?" asked Sherlock. 

"Course I do" John muttered "I think of lots of things." 

Sherlock was about to ask what these mysterious things were when a whistle sounded. "The kids seem to have found their treasure" he said "we should go back. I want to see Arnica walk the plank." 

Five minutes later Hamilton had to blow his whistle twice and numerous people began to return to the swimming pool. Unfortunately for Sherlock, Arnica arrived quite quickly. The last to return was in fact Mork Gray. 

"Mork dear" said Aunt Hever "you have to walk the plank."

Mork climbed with noticeable reluctance onto the end of the plank and started to walk slowly along it. For a few steps he remained safely on the plank, then, quite suddenly, the plank, evidently fed up with carrying Mork's weight, gave a loud groan and bent delicately in the middle causing Mork to fall into the lovely green waters of the pool. As he splashed to the surface, his audience cheered and applauded and he was helped out by none other than Barry/ Parry himself and provided with a large blue blanket and a towel.

"Well done, Mork" shouted Aunt Hever, from her box "you did that beautifully and it made a wonderful splash. Now we'll all have some food and drink before the next game." 

The food and drink was brought through the foliage on large trays by a bevy of servants. The females looked particularly fetching in short skirts and long boots and the men attempted to look manly and tough, but not particularly pirate like, in tight white shirts and shorts. 

Some chairs were brought in and people attempted to sit down. John thought it was hilarious watching Sherlock's relatives eating skull shaped pastries and drinking punch while surrounded by potted plants. However, he really lost control when he saw Mycroft accidentally bite off part of a plant and eat it along with his skull.

As John sagged against him, laughing hysterically, Sherlock started to get a bit irritated. "I can't see what's so funny about skull shaped pastries" he complained.

"Your brother" John cackled "he just ate, he just ate some of that big plant next to him. He probably thought it was salad."

"One of my second cousins three times removed died from eating salad" said Sherlock seriously.

"Really?" John exclaimed. He managed to stop laughing with difficulty as large numbers of Holmes and Quisenberrys were peering at him through the greenery with worried expressions.

"He was in Peru and the salad had a very rare bug sitting on it" said Sherlock with a sigh "he just swallowed the bug with the salad. Everyone was very surprised and the natives were extremely angry because it was such a rare bug and they wanted to keep it and pin it up in a hut or something. I think there was eventually some kind of riot about it."

"That's so typical of your family" said John. 

"Lots of people eat insects" said Sherlock.

"Not with salad" John pointed out "I mean, can you imagine the restaurants? Today's special, spider with roast potatoes and beetle gravy." He started to laugh again.

"You're just being silly now" Sherlock complained as a rather buxom servant came up to them carrying a tray of chicken thighs. The thighs were decorated with small flags with the skull and crossbones on them. 

"Thigh?" said the servant.

John started to laugh yet again.

"You can't take him anywhere" said Sherlock "we'll both have a thigh."

"Thank you" said John "I'm particularly partial to thighs."

"I like thighs myself" said a voice nearby.

Sherlock and John looked around and there was Ippie, resplendent in his striped pantaloons and leather waistcoat. He had his parrot tucked under one arm, its large bent beak just showing. "I used to have great thighs myself once" Ippie continued "large, muscular thighs. I could break rocks with them, I could, and open bottles."

"He's boasting" said Sharpie, coming over to them holding two thighs and, for some unaccountable reason, a large piece of fern "his thighs have always been quite ordinary."

Butter Holmes poked his head out through a nearby bush and shouted "no-one has thighs like my thighs." He stood up revealing the fact that the thighs in question were quite visible, as he was wearing very short shorts. He started to dance around the foliage slapping his thighs enthusiastically. People started to come over and join in, slapping their thighs and jumping up and down. After a moment, John joined in as well. John was a joiner. He liked being in a group of people all doing the same thing, even if that thing was a bit weird. Sherlock didn't join in. Sherlock wasn't a joiner and in fact, the more people did something, the less Sherlock found he wanted to do it.

After a few moments a large number of adults and children were dancing and slapping their thighs and ruining the foliage in the process. In amongst the crowd Sherlock spotted Mycroft dancing and slapping his thighs with the rest. This was quite alarming but at least he seem to have lost his rose.

After some ten minutes of this Aunt Hever's voice was heard from the box once again. "You can all slap your thighs later" she shouted "there are more games and more food to come and then there's the cake. YOU CAN SLAP YOUR THIGHS LATER."

 

End of Chapter. Will everyone stop slapping their thighs? Stay tuned.


	6. "Now" Aunt Hever shouted to her fans "we finish with the traditional fandango."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of the party.

The thigh dancing and slapping slowly came to a halt and everyone waited excitedly to see what the next game would be. John was as excited as everyone else as he had found the thigh slapping very stimulating. Sherlock just wanted to slash someone with his cutlass, preferably Arnica but Mycroft would do if Arnica wasn't available. He amused himself in the mean time by attacking a particularly tall and menacing looking Cactus at the side of the pool. 

"While the servants bring in more food we have two games" announced Aunt Hever " the children will have pin the eye patch on the pirate while the rest of us have a traditional Grog Contest. Over in the next field there are tables with various ingredients and all you have to do is make a Rum based drink from them. Hamilton, Phillington and I will then judge whose is the best. You can pair up if you like or just watch if you don't like Rum. The winner will receive a bottle of Rum and the person who produces the worst drink will walk the plank. Off you go then."

Everyone escaped from the plants and made their way over to the field in question. As they all appeared in view, some for the first time, John noticed that the twins, Tyger and Usher, were wearing cat costumes and that Julian Holmes was dressed as a female pirate complete with thigh high boots and an exaggerated bosom. 

"Have you ever made a custom rum drink?" John asked Sherlock as they positioned themselves at the end of one of the tables next to Aunt Cardiff and Creepy Holmes junior.

"Not yet" said Sherlock "but I'm sure I shall be excellent at it, with a small amount of help from yourself." 

"Of course" said John. He didn't tell Sherlock that he had, in fact, competed in similar competitions before. Unsuccessfully as it happened.

The next fifteen minutes were occupied with a lot of cutting, (fresh fruit, not people), mixing and swearing and shaking and tasting and spitting. Sherlock just kept adding more rum to the mixture and John kept adding more pieces of fruit. The result was a large jug filled with what appeared to be rum flavored fruit salad.

Suddenly Aunt Hever appeared in the field waving a cutlass, which was a surprise to everyone. "Shiver me timbers me hearties" she shouted "the competition be over, and we'll taste the results. Stand away from your tables."

Everyone dutifully obeyed, which impressed John in particular, and Aunt Hever started the tasting session followed by Hamilton pushing Phillington in his wheelchair. Phillington seemed to enjoy everything he tasted and was soon sagging sideways in his chair. Hamilton started, quite unexpectedly, to sing something about being happy and gay, and then said he was going to do a foxtrot when he had finished the tasting.

After some twenty minutes Aunt Hever and Hamilton had a brief discussion with Phillington about the various drinks and then Aunt Hever announced that Mycroft and James Perch were the winners. Everyone waited to see who would get to walk the plank and to John's horror it was himself and Sherlock. 

They were encouraged by the family to go over to the pool. Sherlock calmly climbed onto the end of the plank and walked slowly along until he reached the end. Then he simply stepped into mid air and fell into the pool. John followed and they surfaced to the acclimation of the crowd. 

Sometime later, in the privacy of the house, they dried themselves and changed into fresh clothing provided by the servants. John's trousers were too long and his shirt was too big, but he did get a very fetching waistcoat with tie fastenings and long black boots in the correct size. Sherlock was resplendent in a long skirt and frilly white blouse which he insisted on wearing despite male clothing being available.

They walked slowly back to the pool. "Why did you do that?" John asked, as they walked along.

"Do what?" asked Sherlock.

"You purposely ruined our grog" said John "I saw you put all that pepper in it at the last moment."

"Ah" said Sherlock "that."

"Yes" John muttered "that."

"It was an experiment" Sherlock explained.

"And now" John continued "you're wearing a skirt."

"It's amazingly freeing" said Sherlock "you've heard the expression let it all hang free, I assume."

John laughed. "You're as mad as the rest of your family" he said.

As the pool appeared in sight they couldn't help but notice that everyone seemed to have disappeared except Phillington, who was asleep in his chair, and Ippie and Sharpie who were sitting on a bench drinking some of the grog.

"Where is everybody?" John asked them.

"They've gone to climb a mast" said Sharpie "only there aren't any so they're climbing trees instead."

"I used to climb trees once" said Ippie "that's where I met my fourth wife, or was it the fifth? Anyways, it was one of them. She were up a tree, you see, and I climbed up and we met."

"How romantic" said John.

"Mycroft and I were both conceived in an oak tree" said Sherlock "it's a tradition in the Holmes family."

"Really?" John gasped.

"It was a very large tree" said Sherlock "that's why there's only the two of us you see. Father had terrible vertigo."

John started to laugh. Sherlock looked irritated. "It wasn't funny" he complained "and that's how Great Uncle Pat and Great Aunt Pat were killed. They fell out of the oak tree at a crucial moment."

John began to laugh uncontrollably. As he wiped his eyes he murmured "and they were both called Pat, were they?"

"There's nothing wrong with being called Pat" Sherlock snapped "anyway, we ought to go and find them. I want to climb. I'm a very good climber. We could win this one."

There were four mast climbing competitions in full swing when Sherlock and John arrived. Aunt Hever explained that there were different categories: under 12, 12 to 20, over 60 and everyone else. Hamilton was timing how long it took everyone to climb up their chosen tree. The tallest tree was reserved for the everyone else category. The over 60s had a very small tree with lots of horizontal branches.

Sherlock and John had to watch everyone else climbing, or, in some cases, attempting to climb, because of their late arrival. Aunt Blackness removed her leg before she climbed, and proved to be an excellent climber without it. Uncle Bertie, though, was useless and couldn't even get off the ground. Watching him try was hilarious. Cousin Bandy was doing well until he caught his trousers, which were loose and baggy, on a branch and tore them, revealing the fact that he wasn't wearing any underwear. Arnica, was, to Sherlock's visible pleasure, almost, but not quite as useless as Uncle Bertie. However, Mycroft was fantastically good and ascended rapidly. Finally it was Johns turn and he did his best but was hampered by the size of the tree and the fact that the branches were too far apart for him to reach. People helpfully shouted at him to stretch a bit more but rather than dislocate something he didn't.

At last Sherlock was allowed to try to climb. He sprang at the tree shouting "here we go" and something about beating the tree into submission. He was a marvelous climber. He grabbed branches and swung up the tree like a pirate clothed monkey. He got higher up than anyone else, and finally stood upright on a branch hanging on with only one hand and shouting " Geronimo", and all this despite wearing a skirt. Everyone was impressed and when he descended he was chaired to the pool to watch Arnica walk the plank as Uncle Bertie was excused due to feeling sick, which admittedly most people thought was an excuse.

After this, several servants wheeled the cake in on a large trolley. It was shaped like a pirate ship complete with sails. Aunt Hever posed beside it as numerous people took photographs. The candles were lit and Aunt Hever blew them all out in one go. She blew so hard that two candles flew off the cake and set fire to a servants shirt. As Aunt Hever bowed to rapturous applause the cake was wheeled away again to be cut up.

"Now" Aunt Hever shouted to her fans "we finish with the traditional fandango." At this announcement a small band of men and women appeared. They had guitars and castanets and started to play a lively tune in 3/8 time. Several of them sang and everyone started to jump about clapping and singing along with the band. People started to join in with improvised instruments. Uncle Bertie banged a spoon on his chin, Mork made noises with his armpit, Ippie clicked his knees, several people whistled and John got excited and started to sing with everyone else. The resulting noise was quite frightening and made Sherlock's head hurt.

While this was going on a group of servants built a bonfire and, after lighting it, started to throw chairs, benches and plants from around the pool onto it. People joined in. As darkness fell the flames grew higher. Several family members started to dance around the bonfire. Then, to John's surprise, they began to strip and throw their clothes onto the fire. John looked to see what Sherlock would do about this but he was just stripping with everyone else.

"The traditional birthday striptease" Sherlock shouted at John, as he jumped around the fire totally naked.

Oh well, John thought and started to remove his costume. He threw it into the flames and joined the increasing number of dancers. "What do we do next?" he asked Sherlock as they passed each other around the fire.

"Eat cake" said Sherlock, and started to slap his thighs vigorously as he circled the flames.

True enough, the servants soon arrived with a trolley full of cake slices and gradually people ceased dancing, whistling or whatever else they were doing and sat down on the grass in groups eating cake. Sherlock and John sat down next to Dover and Aunt Edinburgh. They were both naked except Aunt Edinburgh was wearing a hat with a feather in it.

"This has been quite a success" said Dover "go and thank your Aunt, Sherlock. You always forget these little niceties. Mycroft never forgets."

Sherlock sighed and groaned but nevertheless got up and went over to where his Aunt Hever was sitting, naked of course, on Hamilton's lap. They had the only remaining chair. "Thank you for giving us a great party" he said loudly enough for Dover to hear.

"Oh darling" said Aunt Hever "thank you for those lovely words. You were such a gorgeous little boy and you've grown up so well. I couldn't wish for a better or more charming nephew."

Sherlock was actually blushing as he returned to sit down by John. "She's had too much rum" he said.

"You were such a gorgeous little boy" said John and laughed.

Sherlock suddenly grinned. "I was a great actor, even when I was very young" he said "and Aunt Hever gave me some fantastic presents. I asked for a dead cow once and she got me one."

"Yuck" said John.

"I had a good time with that cow" Sherlock informed him.

John started to laugh. The night grew blacker and people started to return to the house and bed. The band stopped playing. The bonfire began to go out. John and Sherlock got up. "I always enjoy your family gatherings" John said as they walked slowly toward the house "I'm happy we came."

"I'm happy you come with me to these things" said Sherlock seriously "I wouldn't be able to stand them if you weren't here."

They linked arms. The party was over. Aunt Hever kissed Hamilton passionately under the stars. Two servants fell in the pool. All was right with the world.

The End.


End file.
